Janet Mueller

Dec 2003

Brown will be sorry to see Ms. Mueller leave. It will be a bitter pill to swallow, but hey, when you're Brown and you have by far the best underwater basketweaving department in the Ivy League, you can afford the attrition of a few of your best and brightest.

Nov 2003

The reviews of Prof Mueller are totally off the mark! When she came back to Columbia, I jumped at the chance to take her course. Apparently, for the last couple of years she's been working for her mother's escort service related an interesting story about one guy who enjoyed back in Deutscheland, specializing in bestiality. This was great for in-class discussion, like when we were reviewing the monological imperatives of a rare large-breasted ape family in Africa, she incubating alligator eggs up his you-know-what. And I'll never forget the mandatory class orgy, in lieu of a final. I just wish Columbia would final establish the UWBW major.

Dec 2002

I had heard good things about Fraulein Professor Mueller from friends who took her Fetish course, but believe me, this metaphysics class was one long yawn. For one thing, she really should have made Symbolic Logic a pre-requisite for the class. From day one the focus was on what she called the ‘existentialist quantifier’ and for someone who had never taken logic this was off-putting. I slept through most of the endless teutonic monolog, but certain recurrent names and phrases (e.g. Alexei Meinong, the Golden Mountain, Pegasus, Sherlock Holmes) still wake me at night in a cold sweat. Far from the latex catsuit, she seemed strangely asexual to me, although on one occasion she did work up a bit of foam expatiating on “the hardness of the logical must”. I guess she’s no longer at Columbia, oh well …

Dec 2002

This instructor is a little bit nutty in my opinion. On the first day of class she announced that she was a professional dominatrix in Holland and that she "enjoys tying up bad little boys and punishing them." Many of the girls in the class laughed and enjoyed the remark until Instructor Mueller then added: "Oh, you better be careful too ladies, for I have a penchant for disciplining wayward little girls too, so be careful with me." Then the boys laughed. Mueller once walked into class with a tight latext cat suit and appologized for being late to class, telling us with that deep throaty German accent of hers something to the effect that: "Last night some friends from overseas visited me and we hit some of the clubs. They are a British couple and you know how those Brits can be. They are such needy little subs. 'Oh Mistress Mueller please whip me again' or "Oh Mistress, I've been such a bad bad girl lately' You know the type." Uhh, actually I don't. But it sounded like it was a crazy night indeed. Although we didn't get to learn much what I think of as sex I did get to know just about everything about leather and latex, gags, whips, chains, and medieval torture devices. Keep in mind that this is a woman that has a wooden rack in her office--I kid you not! On the walls of her office hang vaious whips and paddles too. It's kind of scary actually. Anyway I heard that this instructor now left and is working as head of HR for some law firm division down town for her quote "unique ability to whip corporate division heads into shape." I can only imagine how! Ouch!